


5 times Ben Solo died, and 1 time he didn't

by cyaneidae



Series: 5+1 collection [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Earn Your Happy Ending, F/M, Spoilers, TRoS Spoilers, i know there's a 'Major Character Death' tag but i swear the ending makes up for it, jj abrams said 'let me give you undeserved angst terribly written' and i said 'fuck that', sw spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 11:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21898282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyaneidae/pseuds/cyaneidae
Summary: Ben Solo has died once on Starkiller Base, twice in Snoke's throne room, once on the ruins of the old Death Star, and once on Exegol. He's died twice as Kylo Ren, three times as Ben Solo.Maybe, just maybe, in one lifetime the galaxy will allow him to live.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: 5+1 collection [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/383644
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	5 times Ben Solo died, and 1 time he didn't

**Author's Note:**

> I have a flight in exactly 7hrs and I still haven't slept yet but TROS anger could not wait so my muse said 'screw everything, time to WRITE! and write ANGST, bc reasons.'
> 
> Basically, I decided if JJ Abrams could kill Ben Solo in the very last moment DESPITE HIM SURVIVING ALL THOSE OTHER CLOSE CALLS, I could do it and do it better. 
> 
> Screw you, JJ Abrams, I can write my own angst AND my own happy ending dammit.

1.

He is Kylo and it is harsh, reckless, and brutal—just like him. She is feral and wild and every equal in the Force he has ever imagined. She doesn’t need a teacher, she needs a partner.

He regrets it won’t be him.

Then, all goes dark.

—

It’s been weeks and Rey still can’t sleep.

She can hardly even look others at the base in the eye. They all pat her on the back and tell her what a great _service_ she’s done for the galaxy, what a great _hero_ she is—and all she can think of is The General, the stoic woman she so recently met, grieving two losses. The General, who has never once looked her directly in the eye, who always seems to be looking off in the distance, looking at or remembering things no one else can see. The General, whose brother is still lost.

Despite _everything_, they still want Rey to go to Luke Skywalker. The General hasn’t said a word, but she hasn’t clearly forbidden it, either. It doesn’t really matter, because Rey can hardly live with herself on the base as is. She definitely should not be the one to plead with Luke Skywalker. She definitely should not be the one to tell him of his friend’s and nephew’s deaths. How they happened. How they can never be undone.

She vehemently refuses to go. Cites a great many sorry excuses, then largely shuts herself in her quarters for most of the day...every day. For weeks. Alone, she knows how to deal with her demons. This is just another one to add to the pile.

Or at least she thought that at the beginning. Before.

She now feels an inexplicable..._emptiness_ inside her. An emptiness as part of this thing inside her that she discovered on Starkiller base. This Force. It feels like an open sore. Like the time she split open her palm on the wreckage of a Star Destroyer, then kept reopening the cut every time she would try to climb something again.

It’s the twentieth nightmare-filled night when Rey admits to herself that killing Kylo Ren has irrevocably broken something inside her. Something that can’t be fixed. Something that can’t be undone. If she could do it all over again, she wouldn’t have listened to that dark instinct within her telling her to finish it.

_Please_, she begs. _Please let me change how our story went._

\------

2.

He is a hybrid of Ben/Kylo when it happens this time. Not quite Ben, not really Kylo.

Snoke somehow has sensed his true intent and brought an early end to his lightsaber trick. Snoke needs not an apprentice who would betray him. Despite everything Snoke has done to make sure this would never, ever happen.

Kylo falls to the floor clutching his throat. The end is not quick. It is agony.

Snoke then impales Rey with the red crossguard right in front of him. He sees the light leave her eyes, right after she mouths, “Ben!”

Ben’s last thought is a prayer that wherever she goes, he can follow. He’s not sure he’s done enough to deserve that, though.

If only he’d saved her. Maybe that would have been enough.

\------

3.

He is Ben in dreams and he is Ben in death. It happens quickly, painlessly, before he is even awake enough to sense it coming.

He does not know he already had his last chance to convince Rey they belong together. He does not know he had his last chance to see her. The last day to ask forgiveness from his mother. His last chance to make things things right.

Hux pulls the trigger and shoots Ben Solo dead.

—

On Snoke’s ship, Rey doubles over from a phantom pain. She immediately knows it is because Ben is dead.

She regrets everything. Not taking his hand, not telling him what she feels for him, not telling him that he’s enough just as he is.

She gasps in pain and closes her eyes. Maybe she can reach him through the Force, still.

Where their force bond once was, however, is just silence. Silence, and a gaping sore that pulses and _aches_.

Rey knows with a quiet certainty that this will never go away. She thinks maybe it would have been better if she had died, too.

\------

4.

He is Kylo again and in a shocking imitation of his father’s demise, she stabs him through with his own lightsaber. She is angry and unrepentant and so _dark_.

In his last moments, he wonders why he ever wanted to turn her in the first place.

—

Rey is angry and shocked and horrified. She doesn’t recognize herself. She tries, in vain, to call upon the same healing powers she used to give life force to the creature on Pasana.

She tries and she tries and she tries.

The Force must be mocking her, _because it doesn’t work_.

She feels the gaping hole in the Force where their bond once was and knows he is gone, even before his eyes have a lifeless sheen to them.

He does not disappear to become one with the Force. She cries over his body until her own body is a blanket of numbness from the cold. As cold as his own.

_This isn’t what I wanted_, she thinks. _Not in this lifetime, not in any lifetime._

\------

5.

He is Ben again and he is giving his life force for hers. She deserves this life more than he ever has. She has loving friends to go home to. She will be mourned if she doesn’t return. She will be missed.

She is the love of his life and he gives his life for her.

He doesn’t even entertain the thought that he will stay alive long enough to see her, kiss her, _laugh_ with her.

But he does. He is given that much, in the very last moments of his life.

She is his first kiss, his first love, his partner in this life and the next.

Ben hopes, as he falls, that she can follow him to the next life. He would certainly follow her anywhere.

He dies for her.

—

Rey comes to and sees his face. She has never seen such a beautiful image. His dark locks, his mournful eyes, his chapped lips...

She surges forward and kisses him. Tries to tell him though the kiss everything she should have said before. Everything she still can’t say aloud, no matter how much she tries.

Then he smiles at her. Laughs. She can feel a grin stretching her own face.

“Ben!”

They can be together now. As she always wanted them to be. No more masters, no more torturous tempting darkness.

Then, inexplicably, he falls limp in her arms. He vanishes, becoming one with the Force. Because she can’t even have a body to mourn.

And because the Force is cruel, a gaping, endless, agonizing hole opens up inside her where their force bond used to be.

She falls to the ground clutching his torn black sweater and _weeps_. It’s all she has left of him and it will never be enough.

_Please_, she begs. _Please let me change how our story went._

_\------_

+1

He is Ben and she is Rey and they don’t die on Exegol. They kill Palpatine together using the assistance of long passed Jedi and two lightsabers. They are one in the Force and one in battle.

And when it finally ends, she kisses him. A “_t__hank the stars you’re alive_” kiss and a “_I love you_” kiss and “_we’ll never be alone __again_” kiss all in one. It is their first kiss, but certainly not their last.

When they arrive back at the base, bruised and battered and wearing weary smiles upon their faces and with their arms around each other, the celebration quiets for a short moment.

Someone leads the two of them quietly to his mother's body. He weeps at her bedside and cries the apologies he never got to tell her while she was still alive. Rey is with him the entire time, holding his hand tightly and murmuring her own farewell. He says his final goodbye.

He watches through blurred eyes as the sheet slumps and his mother becomes one with the Force. He silently tells her how much he loved her. Even when he was Kylo Ren. Even when he so wanted to hate her.

He looks toward the crowd--those who have forgotten their shock for a moment and re-begun the celebration--and then looks at Rey. She deserves to be among the crowd, the celebration, the _love_.

He tries to disentangle his hand from hers, only for her to tighten her grip. She has a stubborn, determined look on her face.

“You deserve to be there, too. Anybody with complaints can take it up with me. We can deal with everything else later."

She pulls him toward the crowd, the celebration.

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she tells him quietly. “You don’t have to worry any more. We’re together now.”

She kisses him again quickly, heedless of whoever could see.

He smiles back at her. She’s the love of his life, his bond mate, his equal.

Ben walks with Rey towards the celebration of the end of the war.

In this lifetime, they’re together.

—

They quietly settle down on Naboo among the green and the life. Where their families flourished best.

They start their own family. The family both of them have always wanted, the family they both desperately hoped for as abandoned children themselves.

When their twins are born--pink and healthy and screaming--Ben looks into Rey’s tired eyes and thinks, _this was worth it_. He thinks, _I’m so glad I’m alive and sharing this life with you_.

She smiles and sends a thought right back to him through their bond.

_This is how it was always meant to be. I’m so happy to share this galaxy with you._

**Author's Note:**

> apologies for all the purple prose, I have been reading way too much happy fic lately (I wonder why). Also finished my LOTR rewatchathon with Return of The King tonight, so there's that.
> 
> come find me on [tumblr](https://thestolenrelic.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/amethyststeam)!


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